In a Time Where Anyone can be a Parent Coach, Here’s Guidance for Choosing One.

And why parent coaches don’t have to be parents themselves.

by Kira Harland, LMFT, PPS

Ollie the dog is a bodacious – yet rambunctious – 2-year-old golden doodle with the self-control of an actual human 2-year-old. My friends spent the first few months since his adoption using shock collars and dishing out what money they could for dog trainers that, in my opinion as a nosey friend, didn’t seem to get to the root cause of the issue.

This is because Ollie wasn’t just a poorly trained dog adopted after his prime tutelage years. No, Ollie was like a lot of maltreated dogs; he was deeply traumatized. His controlling behavior served him as a way to quell his underlying anxiety. Ollie didn’t just need more love or more commands or more structure. After my friends found a trainer who understood this – that Ollie needed to work on his demeanor – they began training Ollie to learn how to cope with his anxiety, rather than suppress it.

The parallels between good parent coaching and good dog training are honestly so similar that it feels slightly ridiculous, and embarrassing, to share with parents that we are both using the same damn tactics. But it’s true: good coaches and trainers know how to look at the underlying causes of behavior, consider how attachment styles, trauma, and conditioning are impacting the situation, and instead of giving cookie-cutter answers they provide actionable solutions to the problems in your home.

In today’s online world of parenting influencers, where advice is curated by upvotes and algorithms, it can feel like the coaches we truly resonate with are out of reach. Or even that the words they share are so profound that we believe any other person would pale in comparison.

I’d rather a family hire a coach than continue to live in patterns of discord. But let’s be real. Coaching is expensive. And, it requires families to be vulnerable. For both of these reasons, it matters who you hire. Good advice and excellent social media is not what makes a great parent coach. Instead, look for these qualities:

Experience

This is probably the most important key. Your coach has got to have hands-on experience with both helping caregivers and working with children.

Being a parent, reading parent books, and studying psychology are truly not enough to be a great coach.

Every family has its own culture, needs, and habits. A coach who mostly draws on their own experience – like many online content creators who say, “I said this to my kid and suddenly she started listening!” – will have a narrow viewpoint to tackle the unique demands of their coachees. 

Instead, look for people who have diverse and extensive experience. A teacher, religious youth pastor, counselor, or Marriage and Family Therapist all could have adequate backgrounds. 

Attachment Theory Basis

The second most important factor is that a coach understands what parental behaviors create secure attachment in children.

Coaches need not be experts in attachment theory, but the tools they use to support caregivers should inherently enhance healthy attachment. It is important to ask your coach their views on attachment and how they plan to incorporate it into treatment.

For instance, a coach should be able to explain that the goal of secure attachment is for the child to feel a secure base from which to roam. The coach should utilize authoritative parenting styles, where the caregiver provides both structure and nurture, for the child. Marriage and Family Therapists, Psychologists, and other psychotherapists typically have background in utilizing attachment theory in their professions.

All too often, I see blanket statements about parenting practices that allegedly lead to insecure attachment, like “time-outs traumatize your child” or “never give in to your child’s demands.” In my own experience as a Marriage and Family Therapist, I find none of this true. What matters is the context for a parenting practice, how the caregiver creates repair, and the consistency within the relationship. You want to find a coach who can parse this nuance.

Formatted but Flexible

The final aspect is that your coach has a format for their coaching, but is flexible with their advice. When strategies aren’t working, or they misalign with family culture, the coach should be able to creatively problem solve with the family rather than insisting on cooperation to a model.

Be wary of parent coaches who only coach from a narrow parenting perspective. Your family is unique, and a coach needs to have the flexibility to tailor strategies for you.

Instead, look for a coach that aligns with your family values, but doesn’t pigeon-hole themselves into one style. For example, a gentle parenting coach who also advertises that they teach positive disciplining practices, attentive parenting, and neurodiverse strategies would indicate flexibility in their approach. 

If soundbites were enough, then every caregiver on Tik-Tok or Instagram these days would have parenting down pat. It takes more than canned responses and downloadable charts. This is precisely why finding a professional, like a Marriage and Family Therapist, is key to real, long-lasting change for your home. 

Reach out for a free consultation by completing the form below to find a Great Parent Coach. Randall Obsidian Marriage & Family therapy has excellent parent coaches and could point you in the right direction for your family.