When Therapy Works and When it Doesn’t: The Honest Truth for How to Get The Most Out of Therapy
I’m a therapist who goes to therapy. And no, I don’t believe everyone should be in therapy all of the time; I certainly have phases where I see someone then take a year or two off.
Being both a provider and participant in therapy, I have truly seen the gamut. I’ve been to trainings where I’ve learned a new intervention, and then later been the client having another therapist walk me through that same process. I’ve learned the intricacies of how to respond therapeutically, then in the same week been in therapy where a professional uses those same therapeutic responses toward me. I’ve coached and been coached. I’ve both done and been in goal-oriented therapy, in open-ended therapy, and in long and short term therapy.
Thus as a practitioner and a patient, I have found what works well and what does not work at all. At times, I have found the local yoga class or my health insurance’s insomnia coach to be far more therapeutic than my hour with, let’s call her, Susan. At other times, I have found weekly sessions to be essential for staying grounded amidst turbulent seas.
Whenever I’m in therapy, I ask myself, “when would be a good time to end this?” and whenever I’m out of therapy, I ask myself, “would therapy be helpful right now?”
If you are asking yourself, “if therapy would be a good option for me?” and “how do I get the most out of my therapy sessions?”, you’ve come to the right place.
Step 1: Ask yourself: do I have something to work on?
It’s not uncommon that I come across people with the opinion: “everyone needs therapy”. Heck, I used to be one of them!
But when I was in graduate school, we were required to go to our own therapy sessions so we could better understand what it feels like to be a client (Hah! Like I needed practice with that.) And that’s when I realized; therapy needs a goal.
Because at that time, I truly had nothing to work on. My emotions were stable, I felt confident in my friendships and relationships, and my self-care routines were robust. Of course, I enjoyed having an hour to focus on myself, but I can’t say that this mandatory therapy changed me in any significant way.
This is exactly why I take issue with this idea that “everyone” needs therapy “all” of the time.
In contrast, I’ve gone to therapy for very specific reasons and the experience was truly life-changing. I had a goal in mind, my therapist knew how to focus the sessions, and I was motivated to do work between sessions to resolve the conflicts plaguing me most. As a therapist – and I hope all therapists would do this – I always have my client’s goals in the back of my mind while providing treatment.
My first piece of advice for getting the most out of therapy is to have goals. Don’t worry, they can change during the course of treatment, and they can range from very specific to pretty broad. For example:
To better handle my stress during this life phase
To lessen feelings of anger and resentment
To feel more connected in my friendships, relationships, and community
To feel happier
To overcome a specific phobia
To process stressful or traumatic events
Step 2: Once you have an idea for what to work on, find a therapist who specializes in this issue.
This is probably the trickiest step. Especially if you are limited with who you choose based on your insurance. If you’d really like to work on, say, fear of heights, then it’s imperative you find a therapist who has this experience!
So my second piece of advice, find a therapist who has experience aligning with your goals. I recommend searching directories that allow for key-term searches such as PsychologyToday.com.
—> Additionally, you can always reach out to Randall Obsidian Marriage and Family Therapy by completing the form below, and if our therapists don’t specialize in your needs, we can support you in searching for one that will.
Step 3: Validate for yourself about where you have areas of growth and ensure this goal is known to the therapist.
Imagine you are struggling with mild depression, find a therapist who specializes in depression, and then the therapist invalidates that you even need therapy due to the symptoms being seemingly innocuous.
Or you tell a therapist you’d like to work on your anxiety, and they insist you discuss all your family of origin inadequacies rather than focus on your presenting problem.
All too often, this is people’s experience in therapy. They show up with a goal and the therapist re-orients them in a way that invalidates the goals they come in to address.
Thus, my third piece of advice here is to be upfront and focused about your goals with the therapist, and ideally the therapist will be able to incorporate this feedback into treatment.
Step 4: Find a new therapist if you don’t feel connected and on-track within 4 sessions.
It takes time to feel comfortable with, trusting of, and connected to a new therapist. However, if after four sessions, you aren’t clicking, find a new one! I implore you to talk with your therapist about this disconnect in order to resolve the issue together before abruptly ending the therapeutic relationship. Therapy should be a place where you can be authentic.
My last piece of advice is: don’t waste your time cajoling a therapist who isn’t the right fit. Finding the right therapist is like going on first dates. Eventually, you’ll find the one.
At Randall Obsidian Marriage & Family Therapy, we help you get the most out of therapy by ensuring we are providing quality care to your specific needs. We use reflective strategies with our clients in order to support meeting your goals. Reach out for a free consult!