T.H.U.G. Life & Black Love
“It is our duty to fight for our freedom. It is our duty to win. We must love each other and support each other. We have nothing to lose but our chains.”
– Assata Shakur, Assata: An Autobiography
In a sociopolitical climate that feels chaotic and cruel, it’s no secret that Nicki Minaj’s recent transgressions have left fans feeling shocked and betrayed. Yet, there were other hip hop artists, prior to Nicki, who similarly offended the culture. But upon further reflection, you remember that a good number of these same rap artists used to peddle poison to the community for self-serving, survival purposes, so it kind of makes sense that they’re now peddling psychological poisons for self-serving purposes. Unfortunately, rap music has been criticized since its origin in the late 1970s and 1980s, when it was undermined as a fad.
Elders and community leaders had justifiable concerns about how rap music began to seemingly glorify drug use, crime, violence, and misogyny during the 1980s and early 1990s. Fast forward, decades later, hip hop has proven its artistic legitimacy as it’s popularly celebrated all over the globe, regardless of the ongoing criticisms about obscenity, respectability, and materialism. Interestingly, the late Tupac Shakur, one of the all-time non-negotiable GOATs, popularized the acronym for “The Hate U Gave Little Infants F*cks Everbody” (T.H.U.G.L.I.F.E.). It was used to highlight how societal neglect of Black children causes later social turmoil, as well as reclaim a term often used against marginalized communities.
So, why is a therapist discussing rap music and T.H.U.G.L.I.F.E.? Because the term also represented resilience, loyalty, and rising from poverty to success despite societal oppression, rather than merely criminal behavior. And because I’m a CA Bay Area Couples Therapist whose mentor’s father was a member of the Oakland Black Panther Party, my appreciation for social justice is uniquely intertwined with my work in mental health. Just as the legacy of the Panthers remains deeply ingrained in Oakland’s history and culture. Tupac was a conscious rapper who was raised within the Black Panther Party who, despite being misrepresented, demanded an end to systemic oppression through their Ten-Point Program in order to better serve the people.
Tupac is also an important reminder as to why representation matters. These new rappers just aren’t built like him or Queen Latifah. Public figures often let us down. Research shows that Black children and adolescents in the United States consume more daily screen time on average than their peers of other races. So the imagery and content of what these children consume are far more influential than you may realize. Most Black Americans grew up seeing very few examples of characters who look like them in the media. Until relatively recently, White people comprised the majority of the writing and production staff for most major projects, and most White people outside of major cities have very few interactions with real Black people. So most of the Black characters on television were understandably flat with no real dimension.
They most often portrayed Black people as they saw Black people, in a way that perpetuates the negative examples of Black girls and women who are loud, obnoxious, and demanding. These female characters were hardly ever illustrated as soft, and if or when they were, they were usually depicted in ways that are not conventionally physically attractive. The token Black best friend character often has no depth, no real storyline, and usually doesn't even portray family members. You were never to see the children at home with their parents, living some version of a real life that's not specifically and fundamentally self-sacrificing in support of the main character's arc, or specifically, bringing awareness to the harsh turmoil of Blackness.
Poor representation and Posttraumatic Slave Syndrome have left too many Black Men to struggle with how these depictions negatively reflect aspects of their reality. And why wouldn’t they? They also saw families torn apart through the crack epidemic, mass incarceration, and divorce. We’ve spent decades romanticizing women’s professional success to now struggle with these women’s emotional availability. Black men tend to walk around with stress buried deep in their chests, unprocessed grief and trauma, and intergenerational wounds that run deep. So when they go looking for answers about self-improvement, they can easily get sucked down an insidious algorithm of anti-Black woman rhetoric. And while some struggle to get support, they perpetuate the idea that Black women are less desirable as long-term partners.
Men complain that their vulnerabilities are dismissed, their words overly policed, and their efforts under-appreciated. They feel like too many Black women have become too picky with unrealistic standards that don't necessarily align with what men need in love relationships: appreciation, validation, sensuality, and unconditional respect. What feels respectful or loving about a partner who is demanding, explosively emotionally reactive, and ultimately, not willing or unable to be agreeable? When men are controlling and aggressive, we call them toxic. Meanwhile, most men want to feel praised for how they show up in love and crave to feel like kings in their home, especially after feeling like they're fighting the world everyday. It's especially necessary for Black people to feel safe with the people in their homes because there's very little safety once they step out into the world.
And because modern love doesn't promote what feels meaningful in sacred sexual wisdom, while Black people continue learning to protect themselves in love rather than how to receive or offer love, too many Black women and men will continue to come together and bump up against one another’s attachment trauma, and then walk away telling themselves a story that's saturated in blame. Not to mention the instances of rushing romance and not allowing for enough time and space to heal in between relationships. It's hard to learn how to receive love and give love when healthy relationships haven't been modeled for you up close. But essentially, if a man is not grounded in and guided by his heart, then he's better left single. And if a woman isn't grounded in and appropriately connected to her sexuality and sensuality, then she's better left single.
So what happens to Black children when there is no Black Father to filter societal messages that can interfere and jeopardize their budding sense of self-worth? A Black father who can impart a degree of necessary challenge to help Black boys actualize into men? What happens to the Black women who regard marrying a Black man as fundamental to their Life’s Blueprint? We get more Black women with no husbands and more Black children with no Black father (or mother). Generational attachment trauma will likely be passed to them as it was passed to their parents. So, racial trauma related to fatherlessness, betrayal, social invisibility, systemic emasculation, colorism, and economic struggle continue to prove prevalent in the Black community. And collectively, Black women and men will continue to blame one another for these wounds.
How can Black women and men come together if they keep resenting one another for having similar psychological, family, and societal wounds associated with being descendants of chattel slavery? If other races provide little protection or empathy, what happens if Black people stop showing it to one another altogether? Women control access to sex, and men control access to long-term commitment, but Black men marry outside their race at higher rates than White men and Black women while Black women continue to feel demeaned, rejected, and vilified in society. However, research indicates that marriages involving Black men and White women tend to have higher divorce rates, while marriages involving Black women and White men often have lower divorce rates compared to both same-race and other interracial pairings.
What happens when you view your partner as a mirror, reflecting back to you the areas within yourself that need attention and growth? This can be a powerful tool for personal development. By shifting the focus inward and addressing the root causes of any emotional turmoil, you can begin to break free from negative patterns and biased perceptions. Because this barbershop talk we're seeing online isn't any better than unproductive girlfriend chatter that promotes anti-man rhetoric. If a partner doesn't want to love a Black woman, be gentle with her, or protect her, she won’t feel safe enough to be soft with them after the world has hardened her. Where do you remember learning that Black love is futile or foolish? Pay attention to how you feel after watching some of these online videos. You may be following a guide who is not aligned. Then you’re more likely to wind up lonely, aged, and bitter… or with a partner you don't respect.
If this message resonates, please share this with a Black man you love. Not as an accusation, but as an invitation for him to step into his own powerful insights. The world may indeed actually fear his strength, but you can help him to understand why you don’t fear his strength… or his vulnerability. You’re in partnership to protect his heart and emotionally support him on his journey as he offers you his heart, a sense of protection, and loving stability. Sexual flow begins with the feminine energy, so consider your own necessary changes and self-growth that can better support the resilience and loyalty of Black women and men to come together in harmonious love and celebrate their own unique T.H.U.G.L.I.F.E.
Like Prince said: “This is what it sounds like when doves cry.”
Happy Black History Month! 🖤❤️💚
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